If I Had (The Slim Shady LP)

Review of If I Had, by James McLean

What is If I Had? If I Had is one of Eminem's best songs of all time, a favorite of mine.

What is dope? Dope is this song. And saying it isn't dope is wrong.

What is stupidity? Stupidity is the point of view that this song has no validity.

I'm tired of people saying that this song isn't classic
I'm tired of people saying that this isn't fantastic
I'm tired of the lack of If I Had YouTube views
I'm tired of people saying they're tired of my reviews
I'm tired of other rappers who ain't bringing half the skill as Em
Sayin' they wasn't feelin' Em yet nobody's as ill as Em

You know what I'm sayin'? I'm tired of all this bullshit. Tellin' me to be positive? How am I supposed to be positive when I don't see shit positive? Eminem raps about shit around him, shit he sees. And right now I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of all this SSLP-hating that's going on in my own city. Never gets no airplay, you know what I'm sayin'?

If I Had is the song where Eminem, who at the time was a cook for $5.50 an hour at Gilbert's Lodge, fantasizes about being rich. The chorus (which I think might be based on "If I Had A Million Dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies) is:

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a damn brewery and turn the planet into alcoholics
If I had a magic wand, I'd make the world suck my dick with a condom on while I'm on the john
If I had a million bucks, it wouldn't be enough 'cause I'd still be out robbing armored trucks
If I had one wish, I'd ask for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss

He did none of these things when he went on to earn his first million after this album came out.

This is one of those few Eminem songs that I'd call a poem first and foremost. I love the "I'm tired of" repetition throughout the verses. I also love the mini-essay he does at the beginning of this song on Life: "What is life? I'm tired of life."

In terms of subject matter, I guess what separates this song from Rock Bottom (which was about his poor working-class depression) is the bitterness he feels at not getting the respect he deserves and not getting his big break yet: "I'm tired of not performing in a packed colosseum...tired of not being on tour...tired of people saying they're tired of hearing me rap about drugs." Sure, it touches on being poor as well but it's not a repeat. This is just an angry young man, pissed off at the world. This song was before all the fame and all the money, when he genuinely thought he was going to be a nobody and fade into obscurity. You can really feel that pain and resignation.

But then again...he's tired of not being a millionaire...but there came a point in Eminem's life where got tired of BEING a millionaire. The overall cynical nature of this song comes through in the chorus: if he had a million dollars, he would still do the same old shit...he'd waste it. All Eminem ever really wanted was respect in the rap game and enough money to send his daughter to college. He never really placed a whole lot of importance on money. I recall him saying in a 1999 interview that "if I had a billion dollars and I fell off, I'd be the most miserable man in the world." And that's why I respect him as much as I do. He's always been about the craft.

The rhyming and flow is typically superb. Friendly grins/many sins/Henny wins/any ends/skinny friends/mini-thins/when he spins. I like the creative rhymes like sorrow/Monte Carlo and millionaire/silverware/builder's square.